Please have a seat someplace safe before you continue to read what I have to say. Many of you will probably ask if I have gone off the deep end finally. Well, to be honest, I have heard that many times over the years from my wife and even colleagues. My children are aware of my plans and very supportive, so you don’t have to call them. I do have one concern as twice I have lost my draft of this email, so I’m wondering if God is sending me one of His taps? Okay, here goes: I am checking into (Stop! Don’t let your minds wander off. No, I’m not thinking of another space shuttle adventure, although my plan makes me take up some space.) Well, here goes. I’m checking into going back to school. No, not teaching, but rather learning. Grief is a very difficult time of life. I continue to struggle and have the usual ups and downs. I have been reading books on grief since Luann passed, and I have learned so much. I am checking into further education on grief through my church, and my daughter, who works at Minnesota State University Moorhead, has been searching for me also. Unfortunately, MSUM didn’t have any local classes, so she checked Concordia College in Moorhead. I have submitted my admissions paperwork to them. I am not looking for a degree, but rather information on how I can help myself and others. Please pray for me.
For the last two months, I have reached out to six other widowed friends seeking help. I’ve learned a few things already. First, there are 10 times more widows than widowers. Second, and probably most important, is that those who have lost a loved one were willing to share what has happened in their lives after their loved one has died, including the end-of-life struggles, with me. From this discovery and my research, I have learned it is hard to communicate for some people. Many married friends mean well, but don’t know what to say sometimes to those who have lost a loved one. Friends try hard to be supportive and caring, but no one knows what it is like except another person who is going through a loss. I found a new purpose after wandering the wilderness of being alone to try to help others who are in the same situation. All of those I talked with had either joined a widowed group or sought counseling. Since I was looking for help for myself, God apparently has other plans for me on this new journey of trying to understand grief and share with others.
I’m not sure if I’m anxious or nervous on hearing your responses about this. It’s okay to join the dozens who have told me I’m nuts over the years, including many of you. I don’t take it personally. I always know that I’m right. Usually. Okay twice in my lifetime. Opps
Sorry I’m a little longer than usual. Posting links below takes more space. I have been using AI to check my work, but this time it changed the web links. Please forgive my Norwegian errors.
A: Aging Care links: I can no longer share these links directly with you. I’m sharing just the link because I feel it has value if you are interested. Click on the blue link to AgingCare.com and post these links in the search bar. This first topic “Differences between Female and male caregivers” had many links that I wish I could share. You will need to paste it into your search box. Please understand that I am NOT making any statement about who is a better caregiver, female or male. Caregivers are made from the inside, not the outside. As I said before from research, women have a better instinct for caregiving than men since they may have been the primary caregiver in the family. In our caregiver group, most of you are female.
Caregiver Stress May Be Deadlier for Women
Looking after the needs of an aging family member inevitably results in stress, regardless of a caregiver’s age, …
Sons vs. Daughters: The Role of Gender in Caring for Aging Parents
www.agingcare.com › Caregiving Topics › Relationships › Articles
Differences Between Male and Female Caregivers. Not only are most informal caregivers female, but women are more often the primary caregiver.
The Costly Difference Between Male and Female Family Caregivers
www.agingcare.com › Caregiving Topics › Financial Planning › Articles
Jan 14, 2014 … Middle-aged women who are taking care of an elderly family member are less likely to be employed than their non-caregiving peers, …(I had trouble understanding their percentages, Del)
B. OTHER LINKS: Dementia in Women: How Is It Different? – AgingCare.com Hopefully you can just click on the link directly above; others repost it. www.agingcare.com Alzheimer’s & Dementia › Articles
Q: Father is resistant to completing important documents or giving copies to anyone. I have shared this a few times before. Unfortunately, this still happens too often. Completing and SHARING important documents has gotten better, but many of those in their 80’s and over are still stuck with the attitude that these documents are private and no one needs to know. For those younger, the main problem with documents is funeral planning.
What are my rights as a caregiver for my elderly husband after being …
Also, search Common Caregiver Confessions on the same website. Just as fascinating. Too many to pick from as each of you may be going in a different direction.
FROM DEL:I have added my story with this link. Click on it.This story happened to me with my parents. I had hired a county nurse to come in twice a week to check on my parents. Soon, the nurse wanted to take control of everything from planning appointments to scheduling people in the house, including my family, and making decisions on their care. We had some strong conversations. I also notified my siblings I was having difficulty with the nurse. My mother hated the nurse’s routine and being so demanding. After my mother was hospitalized for an UTI, and my dad was sent to a nursing home, the county nurse called adult protection on me. I didn’t realize I was talking to adult protection when we met because they didn’t say who they were. The nurse was explaining why she needed to be in charge of my parents. When I finally asked the other person who they were with, they told me, senior vulnerable adult protection. I fired the nurse then and there, and filed a complaint against her. I turned the table on her. She was fired by the county a short time later, and nothing was done by the Department of Social Services against me. It helped that I kept a journal of my caregiving, and there was plenty of information on the county nurse in my journal that got her fired. Journals with dates are important! However, if you have this happen to you, be very careful about what you say. They are mandated reporters. You might want to pause the meeting if you are accused of abuse and get help from an advocate or lawyer. I have never shied away from things like this when wronged. I admit I was mad, with the nurse, and that is not the best response, but I knew I had my documentation. Try to bring someone at least knowledgeable on caregiving along with you to these meetings, but stop all discussion when you feel uncomfortable and worried. Seek professional help. I trusted God to help me through this.
I know this sounds extreme, but it happens. It is NOT an everyday or weekly happening. There are 1000s of seniors living in each county around our nation. Bad things are going to happen. If you see a problem in a nursing facility, let management know. Try to work it out. They are short on staff. Nursing homes want to be the best. If you are aggressive with nursing home staff, they will be less likely to talk to you, but rather will report you if they see something you did, than to tell you. They don’t want to deal with an angry family. Love gets you much further. If the nursing facility doesn’t change, then talk to them again and tell them next time you will report it to authorities, including local, state officials, and if necessary, police. Document these situations. When you register a loved one for nursing care, they should give you phone numbers of people to contact if you feel there is any abuse. They cannot kick your loved one out of the facility or black list you, at least in Minnesota, because of a disagreement.
One of the best staff members Luann had in her 13 months living there lost control of Luann the first time the aide helped her to her chair. This happened the first weekend Luann was in her new facility. Luann hit her forehead on a table. She needed stitches. The aide felt bad, and management talked to us about it. Accidents happen, and Luann was new to the aide. I was there watching. I was instructed by Luann, the boss, to let them do their job and not intervene; otherwise, I would have shown the aide how to help Luann. Luann often called me a Helicopter Husband. (I get no respect. 😢) You may choose to move them to a different facility after an accident, but if you do, warn the facility that if they put anything in your loved one’s file other than medical information, you will take legal action. Again, don’t threaten, but be firm. You take the medical folder to the new facility after you review it. Again, this doesn’t happen often. We did have a nursing facility in Moorhead that was put under new management first and eventually shut down because of problems with care.
This red ink ties to the link directly above the red. What are my rights as a caregiver for my elderly husband after being … I can’t write on that link because I can’t share it. All of this email is my writing, black or red, except for the link information that you have to click on and open, along with the pictures added in Nuggets.
NUGGET: Most of the Nuggets I have shared have been for you to find encouragement. This one needs to be shared. Perhaps you can print it out on a small card, post it on Facebook, or share it with friends. Most people struggle with how to respond to people who are struggling with caregiving. Let’s help them out. Thank you. May God continue to bless you and give you strength.
Del Larson,
Certified Lay Minister
I hope you find something that will be helpful to you.
Email: larsondel@gmail.com
Please forgive my unedited mistakes.