Category: Caregiving

Caregiving For All:   Del Larson, Certified Lay Minister

Topic 1:  First, you are not alone.  I admit that many times I have felt alone, and like I was drowning.  I was first responsible for my parents.  Oh, I had help in their care, but I was the captain of the ship.  There were times I had images of the Titanic sinking, and I was trying to hang on.  However, when I looked around there are many lifeboats that held my supportive wife, our children, friends, relatives, and colleagues standing and waving to me. They were there for me, reaching out to grab me and help pull me out.

Worry and fear, are very strong emotions that many of us have.  I admit I might have been in the top 10 for worriers when I first started.  Yes, I still worry today about my wife, but it is so much better than my reactions 30 years ago.

 

1. Journaling— Every time that issues, appointments, or calls came I put them in my journal. Eventually, when I became stressed out, I went back and read my journal. I saw all that was accomplished, and although my parents were getting worse, I was seeing that what we were doing was the best we could.  There is no doubt that God also worked with us. You will see how God has been there for us through this journey.  When I turned to God, fear and anxiety decreased.  Over time, as my faith grew, I realized how important it was to ask God for help.  My brother had an expression, “If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it!”

 

2. Take care of yourself— Stop thinking you can take care of everything. You can’t!  You will only make things worse by harming your health.  Then who will care for your loved one?  You have a home, a family, a job, and other things to take care of.  My wife was excellent about picking up some of my tasks and taking my parents to appointments.  My teenage children occasionally stayed with their grandparents when needed, including my son driving them at times.  My colleagues reminded me when I looked tired or got grouchy.   Friends and relatives called, or visited to see how we were doing. Taking care of my wife for the last few years has made me more aware of taking care of myself.  When I had back major surgery in March of 2021, I was in the hospital and rehabbed for two weeks.  My wife was home by herself, much of the time alone.  With the help of Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota, the caregiver group I belong to, our family developed a care plan that covered every situation. One time my daughter called, and felt that my wife was choking.  She immediately called our neighbor to check on her.  She was fine. Remember those who fail to plan, plan to fail.  With this plan in place, I was able to go ice fishing with my son and his two daughters this winter for 3 days.  Recently, I drove to Aberdeen, SD to visit my last remaining aunt. Nine hours I was gone, and my wife was covered for half of that time.  I have come to realize more and more that my health has deteriorated.  That is why I am taking the time for me to do the things that help me stay strong and sharp.  Driving for 6 hours was a soothing time.

 

3. My wife, who is in a wheelchair, but can transfer to other chairs and beds, calls me a helicopter caregiver. I am always checking on her and even installed a security camera.  I have cut back on its use because it beeped every time she moved, and started to follow her. It wasn’t healthy for me.  I had to have faith. The reduced time was better for me, as I am not interrupted every time she moves.  Luann also has a Life Alert, which detects falls, or if she pushes the button, help will be summoned.  It has happened one time.  She tipped over in her wheelchair on the balcony.  I had walked our daughter out but forgot my keys.  I tried to call Luann to let me in, but no answer.  I immediately called one of our neighbors, who is on our emergency list, to let me in.  911 was on the way, and my son called me because he got a call from Life Alert.  I was able to lift the chair off of her.  She only had a bruised ankle.  I tried to lift it again later, but there was no way I could budge it.  Thank God for creating adrenaline.

Del

 

Your feedback is always welcome. Feel free to send personal messages.  You can reach me at: larsondel@gmail.com

Welcome to the first post of Caregiving for All. As part of the United Methodist Church and Grace United Methodist Church of Moorhead, MN, I welcome you. You must be curious to learn more about caregiving, or perhaps you are faced with caregiving needs. These weekly, posts are for those needing care, as well as for those who are caregivers. It is equally important for younger family members to understand what caregiving is, and when to seek help and guidance. If you are new to this website, I encourage you to look at the link: Who We Are. This will give you some background about me. I am thankful that Grace United Methodist Church of Moorhead, MN is supporting my new ministry by allowing me to post my weekly chats on their website. I would appreciate your feedback, good or bad.

Because of Covid, I had to limit my ministry to online groups. Recently, I was asked to create a video for the Minnesota Conference of United Methodist Church on caregiving for Lay Leaders, like myself. I am about halfway completed. I had been asking God to direct me on where and what God wants me to do. God’s directions were pretty clear about caregiving and also writing. It is my goal to add to this story of caregiving every 7-10 days with another topic. I have been a caregiver for someone for over 30 years. It started with my parents with their Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s dementia. In 1990, my parents decided they needed someone to help them with their finances and medical care. My mother once dealt with millions of dollars a year for the U.S. Department of Agriculture. It was getting so that she couldn’t balance her checkbook. Also, my parents’ lawyer suggested they put their home in my name to protect it in the future. My three siblings agreed since all of them were out of town and not near enough to help.

My first topic: Preparing for Caregiving. My parents asked my father-in-law for help in finding a lawyer. The lawyer sat them down and shared with them the strategies that would work best for them. It is important to remember that no two families are alike. Each is unique. That is why it is so important to get good advice from someone you trust and who understands all the legal ramifications. That is why it is good to update your will when you reach retirement age, or before if you have health issues. Also, if you haven’t done or updated your Healthcare Directives, do so now. The lawyer made it clear that those who were not in close vicinity or have liabilities should not be on any documents. That left me, as the only choice. The middle child, who got in trouble with his brothers, and picked on his sister in the early years. This meant that I was on all their financial papers, and we created a Life Estate (the house was put in my name, but my parents had Tenancy Rights to live there for as long as they like).

About three years later, my mother got very sick and hallucinations started. She was hospitalized a couple of times, and was eventually put in a nursing home 45 miles from me, but much closer to my sister, and a few of my mother’s siblings. My dad, who could not live on his own was placed in an assisted living facility in our community. My sister did a good job of checking on her and I would see her once a week. Three weeks later, there was an opening so my dad could be with my mother in this new community. After talking with my sister, I made the decision that I would not put my dad with her, but wait until there was an opening back in Moorhead. My brothers were not happy with my decision, but they accepted it. Fortunately, two weeks later an opening came in a nursing home in our hometown, and my mother was back home. A week later, my dad was able to join her. For me, God was in charge of all the plans, and guided and supported me, especially when it came to difficult decisions. They spent the next four years in that nursing home together and died five months apart. They both went on Medicare assistance, with most of their care paid for by Minnesota. Their car, which they were allowed to keep for me to take them to appointments, was sold two years before they died. The following year I was required to sell their home, but I was able to keep 80%, $40,000, which I shared with my siblings after our parent’s death. It is much more difficult to do a Life Estate today, as the state has a longer look-back period to recover funds to help pay nursing home costs. You can’t hide your money and then request assistance. The $10,000 each of us got, was nice. I bought three famous paintings that I had always wanted. Our children each bought something to remind them of their grandparents. The rest was put away for school.

The Take Away: Don’t wait until it is too late to get financial advice from a responsible person. Let your children know, what you have, and where everything is located. DO NOT make it a guessing game for them. Don’t let your children or grandchildren direct you on what to do with property or finances. See a professional.

Del Larson

Your feedback is always welcome. Feel free to send personal messages. You can reach me at larsondel@gmail.com